Back to Houston tomorrow. Hopefully I will be told that I am all clear and I can keep living “normally”.
Everyone who reads this knows I sometimes “over-analyze” situations, and some may venture as far as to call me pessimistic. Well, it’s not pessimism, it’s being human. It’s a completely normal feeling to not be able to accept that I am REALLY OK. Every day that goes by I feel closer and closer to the norm that used to be life, but then as I get closer to the appointments that COULD give me bad news I fall into somewhat of a lull. Most of you that know me know I like numbers… I hear from numerous people when I talk about it, “You’re gonna be just fine! You could walk down the street and get hit by a bus, or you could die in a car accident on the way to work.” Well, the chances of getting hit by a bus are 1 in 50 million, the chances of dying in ANY automobile related accident are 1 in 87. My odds of dying within 5 years are 1 in 5. Swallow that! Those numbers are MINE, not some canned number from a chart about sarcoma. Those numbers came from the doctor, using people from my age group with the same health status and lifestyles. I try to be positive for everyone around me, but it’s very hard at times; when I’m not, shit falls apart.
People still don’t know what to say when I tell them my story. For somebody with, Cancer telling them “it’s gonna be OK” is not always the answer. A lot of the time they just need somebody to listen. That’s why professional counselors have jobs… They just listen. It’s human nature to try to help others feel good, but sometimes it’s just validation that is needed. Just like it’s human nature to not accept that I AM surviving and the other shoe may NEVER drop. I am 36 years old, I don’t smoke, I drink very little, I work out 3 times a week, my sugar intake is extremely low, I don’t use drugs, and I am a good person; I have cancer. If you think you are immune, you are way wrong. It happens.
Here is a fact; nobody dies from nothing. I understand that, but when you get labelled it feels a lot like a death sentence. I wish Carley and I would have never asked about the “rates”. Which leads to my advice to the 1 in 2 men, or the 1 in 3 women…. Don’t ask, you are better off.
They say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…. I believe that; hell I’m living it. I have learned to laugh harder, smile bigger, walk slower, breathe deeper, and love more. I am learning that all of the important things in life are less important, and the things that were not important are truly important. I wish each and every one of you could feel that, WITHOUT being sick of course. I can say my relationship with my wife is better than it was, even before cancer. I can say my relationship with the kids is better than before cancer. I can say my relationship with myself is better than before cancer. I don’t think cancer made me a better person, but I think it opened my mind to a better side of the person I was. I just hope I get to experience this exceeding all statistics, odds, and numbers. I have much left to do, I need time!
